SkullBox Forum  |  Entertaiment & Telecomunicatii  |  Aici radem. Vrei si tu?  |  Topic: Bancuri din lumea IT

Erau doi pescari pe marginea unui rau. Dintr-o data aud un englez strigand:
  - Help, help!
La care zice un pescar:
  - Apasa ba F1 :-)

Odata, un programator s-a inecat in mare. Erau destui salvamari pe mal, doar ca programatorul striga "F1!!!F1!!!" si nimeni nu a inteles ce vroia

Merge un print sa salveze o printesa. la intrarea castelului unde era tzinuta printesa apare un dragon .
Printul se repede la dragon si il decapiteaza. Dintro data, dragonului ii cresc 2 capete. Le taie printul si pe astea,asteptandu-se ca dragonul sa moara. Hell no:)) ii cresc 4 capete in loc. iar i le taie printul pe toate. 8 capete, 16, 32, 64, 128 . Printul taie capatele pe rand, imediat cum apar. Dupa ce ii taie dragonului cele 128 de capete, ii cresc 256 in loc. Printul, ostenit, fara speranta, se pune sa taie si cele 256  de capete.
MIRARE . a murit dragonul
De ce ? fiindca era un dragon pe 8 biti

- Tata, cum am am aparut eu pe lume?
- Mah, fiule, cred ca intr-o zi tot ai sa afli! Pai, eu si cu maica-ta intr-o zi am intrat intr-o camera de chat a Yahoo-ului. Am aranjat apoi o intalnire via e-mail cu maica-ta si ne-am intalnit intr-un internet cafe virtual. Ne-am strecurat intr-o camera privata, unde maica-ta a fost de acord cu un download din hard-ul meu. Imediat ce eram gata de upload, am descoperit ca nici unul dintre noi nu folosise firewall-ul si fiindca deja era prea tarziu sa dam delete, noua luni mai tarziu a aparut un mic popup binecuvintat care a tipat din toti rarunchii: You've got a m@le!

- Ce face un tigan cand il pui la calculator ?
- Cauta in Recycle Bin!

La spital, radiologul ii spune pacientului:
- Am doua vesti, una buna si una proasta. Pe care vi-o zic inainte?
- Pe cea rea.
- Pai, aveti o tumoare imensa pe plamani!
- Si, care e cea buna?
- Se poate rezolva in Photoshop!

Un Maybach se ciocneste frontal cu un tico. Pe computerul de bord al Maybach-ului apare "New Hardware Found! Install?"

Patru “calculatoristi” se intalnesc la o bere. Unul incepe sa povesteasca:
- Am agatat aseara o tipa beton. Am dus-o acasa. Eu incins, ea incinsa. Ne-am apucat sa ne dezbracam chiar din momentul in care am intrat pe usa. Am “pus-o” in picioare, rezemati de perete… Ne-am cautat o noua pozitie si am asezat-o pe birou, chiar pe tastatura noului meu calculator…
Este brusc intrerupt de ceilalti, in cor:
- Aha! Ce calculator ti-ai luat?

Doi programatori isi cumparau tigari.
- Ba, ia uite ce zice aici, pe pachet, cica "Avertisment: Fumatul poate cauza cancer pulmonar!"
- Lasa, ba, warningurile, zi numai erorile.

Un informatician se intalneste cu un fost coleg:
- Ce mai faci ma?
- Default...

Micro$oft va lansa un windows care merge cu mai putin ram ca inainte si ocupa mai putin loc pe hard.
De asemenea, nu va avea bug-uri si va fi lansat sub licenta freeware.

Acesta a fost un banc.

Se poate pune stapanire pe (si distruge) planeta Pamant cu ajutorul computerului?
Raspunsul este DA si anume:

1.Gaseste URL-ul lui Dumnezeu (inearca god.org, god.net, poate god.com, dar in nici un caz islam.com sau vatican.net).
2.Sparge password-ul (incearca Isus, Adam, Moise, Maria, sau poate Satan)
3.Instaleaza urmatorul Script-Program. Nu uita sa iti folosesti numele in program:

DELETE Paradise:*.men
MOVE Anna Nicole Smith TO Paradise:
MOVE Pamela Anderson TO Paradise:
MOVE [ NumeleTau ] TO Paradise:
FORMAT Earth:/U
INSTALL Ocean
INSTALL Continent
INSTALL Bacteria
INSTALL Plants
INSTALL Insect
INSTALL Fish
INSTALL Dinosaur

Nu stiu daca urmatoarele linii functioneaza (probabil ai nevoie de un
Superuser-Password, dar nu se stie?):

RENAME [NumeleTau ] TO God.God

daca doresti sa distrugi si Pamantul:

UNDELETE Einstein.man
RENAME BillGate.god TO BillGate.man
RENAME Michael_Jackson.wom TO Michael_Jackson.man
EDIT Sunrise.ini
DELETE *.nazism
COPY Earth:AfricaKenyaLions.anm TO Earth:AmericaUsaNew_york
MOVE ION@ILIESCU TO Earth:RussiaSiberia

George Bush recomanda Linux :
rm -fr bin/laden

Iisus si satana se certau care dintre ei era cel mai bun programator, tot asa pentru cateva ore bune.Pana la urma s-au hotarat sa se intreaca in tr-un concurs in care Dzeu sa fie arbitru.Zis si facut , s-au pus in fata calculatoarelor si au inceput sa scrie acolo care mai de care coduri html,java ,linux de parca se sfarsise lumea.La un moment dat,un fulger face ca sa cada reteaua, pierzandu-se definitiv tot ce scrisesera cei doi!Peste cateva minute reteaua isi revine si Dzeu anunta sfarsitul concursului.Il pune pe satana sa-i arate ce a facut, la care asta disperat ii arat ca s-a dus totul din cauza acderii de curent."Foarte bine", zise D-zeu, Sa vedem ce a facut Iisus ,atunci. Sa vezi si sa nu crezi, asta baga acolo o comanda si ecranul se aprinde in toata splendoarea lui, in acealasi raspandind o muzica angelica prin difuzoare.
Satan inmarmurit, incepe sa strige, ca cum a fost posibila asa o minune, ca el a pierdut totul si programul lui IIsus este inca intact?Cum a facut-o?Dumnezeu raspunde"Iisus salveaza intotdeauna!"...

Sotia: Ai facut cumparaturile?
Sotul: Bad command or filename.
Sotia: Dar te-am rugat de dimineata...
Sotul: Syntax Error. Abort?
Sotia: Nici macar noul televizor?
Sotul: Variable not found....
Sotia: Bine,da-mi cartea de credit, merg eu la cumparaturi...
Sotul: Sharing Violation. Access denied!
Sotia: Tu vorbesti serios, glumesti sau incerci sa ma enervezi?
Sotul: Too many parameters...
Sotia: Cum de m-am maritat eu tocmai cu tine?
Sotul: Data type mismatch.
Sotia: Dar salariul cand il iei?
Sotul: File in use... Try later.
Sotia: Ma faci sa ma intreb... ce insemn eu pentru tine?
Sotul: Unknown Virus

DOS Beer
     Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

Mac Beer
     At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

3.1 Beer
     The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously,but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it..

OS/2 Beer
     Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

95 Beer
     You can't buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

NT Beer
     Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's - after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

Unix Beer
     Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.

VMS Beer
    Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents.

Intr-o benzinarie, un programator se uita derutat la pompe si murmura: - 95? ... 98? ... 95! ... 98!
Vazandu-l pierdut, un angajat al benzinariei se apropie si il intreaba:
- Cu ce va pot ajuta?
Cu o raza de fericire in privire, raspunde:
- Benzina XP sau Vista aveti ?